dailyseinfeld:

GEORGE: Hey.
JERRY: So, coffee shop?
GEORGE: No, I can’t. She knows I go there. It’s not secure. [the call waiting beeps] Hey, I got another call comin’ in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye.
GEORGE: [on tape, singing] “Believe it or not, George, isn’t at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I’d pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I’m not hooome.” [beep]
ALLISON: George? Are you there? [muttering] I hate that stupid message.  I know you’re avoiding me, I’m at the office, please call me, I’ve gotta talk to you. [hangs up]
[GEORGE dials a number.]
GEORGE: [to phone] Hi, Allison? Oh, I guess you’re not at home.. I probably should ‘ave tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from ya, really looking forward to the ball.. [hangs up and happily chuckles] Ha ha!

(via The Suzie)

seinfeldcaps:

George: I’ll tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of these pig-men walking around, suddenly I’m looking a lot better. That way, if someone wanted to fix me up, they could say “Hey, at least he’s no pig-man!”

5.05 - The Bris

dailyseinfeld:

GEORGE: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?
JERRY: What for?
GEORGE: We need to talk.
JERRY: *You* need to talk?
JODI: We have nothing to talk about.
GEORGE: Look it’s no secret what’s going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn’t like me. Now Jerry if you don’t mind.
JERRY: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.
GEORGE: (he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry… This woman hates me so much. I’m starting to like her.
JERRY: What?
GEORGE: She just dislikes me so much… It’s irresistable.
JERRY: I can see that.
JODI: I’m getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don’t call me.
JERRY: Don’t worry. (she leaves)
GEORGE: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
JERRY: You’re a lucky guy.
GEORGE: I got to go after her.
JERRY: George. I wouldn’t push for the massage. (George nods)
GEORGE: JODI! (he starts running after her)

(via The Masseuse)

Damn, Larry David, will you please get out of my head? This is embarrassing.

dailyseinfeld:

ELAINE (to Jerry): What are you doing with this couch?
JERRY: George is taking it.
ELAINE: Did you tell him it was peed on?
JERRY: He said he doesn’t care, he’ll just turn the cushion over.

(via The Couch)

Again.

dailyseinfeld:

Jerry:  We’ll be fine, what did she say?
George:  She told me she wants— (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes)  She told me she wants me to make love to her.
Jerry:  What?  She said that?
George:  Yeah.
Jerry:  Get out of here.
George:  I swear.
Jerry:  What did you say?
George:  I, I, I can’t.
Jerry:  What did you say?
George:  Please, it’s—
Jerry:  What?
George:  I… I… I long for you.
Jerry:  I long for you?
George:  I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.
Jerry:  It’s okay, that’s not bad.
George:  I don’t like when a woman says, ‘Make love to me’, it’s intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry:  Really?
George:  That’s a lot of pressure.  Make love to me.  What am I, in the circus?  What if I can’t deliver?
Jerry:  Oh, come on.
George:  I can’t perform under pressure.  That’s why I never play anything for money, I choke.  I could choke tonight.  And she works in my office, can you imagine?  She goes around telling everyone what happened?  Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.

(via The Stranded)

I apologize to any of my beloved followers who are not fans of Seinfeld.* I tend to reblog a fair number of Seinfeld posts, and the primary reason I do it is because George Costanza and I are the same person… Well, almost the same person. I’d like to think I’m a little less pathetic, but not by much. At least my hairline is better.

* I normally don’t care whether my followers like what I post because, well, it’s my blog and you chose to be here. In fact, I’m planning on making an effort to care less and post more of whatever the hell I like. However, I used to be a Seinfeld hater for a long while, and I sympathize with your condition, even if you are, as I was, horribly wrong.

dailyseinfeld:

George opens trash bin, sees an clair at the top with one bite taken out of it. After looking around to make sure no one is watching, he picks up the clair and takes a bite just as Mrs. Enright enters the kitchen.
MRS. ENRIGHT: (wide-eyed) Oh…
GEORGE: (spits out mouthful of food): Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!

(via The Gymnast)

No comment.

dailyseinfeld:

Crowd: Come on! Save the whale! Hurry up it’s gonna die!
Diane: Save the whale George… for me.
(He turns and throws his hat down. He walks into the ocean)

(via The Marine Biologist)

dailyseinfeld:

GEORGE: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?
SHOWALTER: Sure, George.
GEORGE: How’s everything going? Everything O.K.?
SHOWALTER: Well, all of a sudden there’s a problem with Tartabull’s swing…
GEORGE: Listen, Buck, I uh…obviously I don’t need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh…I’ve been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don’t want to mention any names - but some of them…they’re not too happy with the polyester uniforms.
SHOWALTER: How so?
GEORGE: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it’s not a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.
SHOWALTER: Cotton, huh?
GEORGE: Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it’s much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don’t you think that would be an advantage? They’re cooler, they’re more comfortable…they’re happier - they’re gonna play better.
SHOWALTER: You may have something there, George.
GEORGE: Oh - I’ve got something.

(via The Chaperone)

dailyseinfeld:

Susan: Whaddaya doing?
George: (shrugs and lights it up)
Susan: Since when do you smoke?
George: (coughs) I’ve always smoked.
Susan: I’ve never seen you smoke.
George: Oh yeeah.. well, big smoker… I (coughs some more) gave it up for a while but it was too tough. Y’ know… I got no will power.
Susan: I don’t like this one bit.
George: Well (coughs) I can’t stop now…(coughs) I’m addicted…(words missing)
Susan: Well, you are gonna have to quit.

(via The Invitations)

dailyseinfeld:

JERRY: Oh, so you’re gonna meet the mother?
GEORGE: Yeah, I’ll zip in, “How do you do?”, zip out. She’ll love me.
JERRY: You’re good with the mothers.
GEORGE: Y’know, I’m better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
JERRY: Maybe you should date the mothers.
GEORGE: Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I’d really have something goin’.
JERRY: Oh, you got something goin’.
GEORGE: Yeah.

(via The Gymnast)

dailyseinfeld:

JERRY: I don’t get it. He assigns it to you, you don’t do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he’s telling you what a great job you did.
GEORGE: Maybe somebody did it and didn’t take credit for it. Maybe it was already done and didn’t need doing in the first place. I have no idea who did it, what they did, or how they did it so well. And you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care.

(via The Bottle Deposit 2)

Always and forever.

(via palahniukandchocolate)

Oh, dear God, yes. This. This, this, and only this. Forever.

You know, I was doing pretty OK today… 

Then — BAM! — outta fucking nowhere: SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED.

I… don’t even know how that happened.

I mean, I know how that happened, but I don’t know where it came from today.

Oh, well. Time to pad the wound with vidya games.

dailyseinfeld:

George: I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?
Susan: Well, maybe it’s so you can see if there’s someone in there.
George: Isn’t that why we have locks on the doors?
Susan: Well, as a backup system, in case the lock is broken, you can see if it’s taken.
George: A backup system? We’re designing bathroom doors with our legs exposed in anticipation of the locks not working? That’s not a system. That’s a complete breakdown of the system.
Susan: Can we change the subject, please?
George: Why? What’s wrong with the subject? This is a bad subject?
Susan: No, fine. If you wanna keep talking about it, we’ll talk about it.
George: It’s not that I want to keep talking about it? just think that the subject should resolve itself based on its own momentum.
Susan: Well, I didn’t think that it had any momentum.
George: (To himself) How am I gonna do this? I’m engaged to this woman? She doesn’t even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don’t even share the same interests.

(via The Postponement)